The Mental Game

This article is about the mental side of migration.

Migration is as much about preparing yourself mentally as it is about sorting out your finances, getting the documentation, accommodation etc. If I were to rank all the items in the to-do list in order of importance, mental readiness would be right at the top of that list.  

I remember vividly 2, 3 years ago when someone very strongly advised me to manage my expectations about this whole migration thing. It was almost a chiding - I obviously didn’t come across as someone who was ready for it and needed a slap in the face. On hind sight, I wished I had taken in those words much more deeply because it took me 6 months, one failed migration attempt and a great, great deal of stress, anxiety and disappointment to scratch the surface of what that truly meant. Hence, I write this article in hopes that you will not have to suffer as much as I did, and that you will go in with your eyes wide open, an open mind and adapting expectations of life in Australia to whatever circumstances you may eventually find yourself in. This is particularly difficult for sinkies, because more so than others we are drilled from an unsuspecting age to hanker after money and wealth above nearly every other virtue (above everything except the blind worship of PAP).  

My story

Two years ago when I went to NZ, I went right on the aftermath of what was probably the darkest two years of my life. The decision to migrate was seeded during a turbulent period when my family threatened, coerced and harassed me to leave my then foreigner girlfriend because she didn’t at all fit in with their expectations of a daughter-in-law. I'm not sure where they got their ideals from but they very much preferred my ex-girlfriend who was the typical materialistic, self-centred and GCP-ish Sinkie to say the least. I eventually moved out of the house to stay in a small rented room with my girlfriend for the next 2 years, moving three times in the process, and twice driven out by landlords (and, ironically, both the HDB flats were owned by foreigners who got Singapore PRs) seeking higher rental yields. My family also took out all the money in our joint-accounts, forcing me to sell my car in order to pay off my then girlfriend’s study loan (she took up a course here) and also to keep up with rent, insurance, household support and migration-related expenses. And if that wasn’t enough, I had to work 14 hours a day as a heavily-exploited consultant in an accounting firm, help my gf with her homework (she’s got bad english) when I got home at 12 am, and study for the IELTS/courses required for migration. I was on the brink of a complete mental and physical breakdown and there were many moments when I teared or even cried from the extreme stress and responsibilities. My bank account was emptied and I was depleted. I’m pretty sure not many of you have had to live on $5 a day for both lunch and dinner and working at Raffles Place.

But by the grace of whatever higher powers may be, I pulled through. To escape all that shit I applied for and got a job in NZ (going ahead first without my gf who was to join me later). I thought, with all that shit I’ve gone through and experienced nothing else will faze me. True enough, the “training” I went through prepared me for certain difficulties such as:

1. Living without family support- for those of you who have never gone through life without your family, this may be your biggest challange yet. It wasn’t a challange for me since my family has mostly stopped supporting me even before migration. This said, migrating alone should be avoided as much as possible - go with your wife, girlfriend, brother, sister etc. If you insist or have to do this alone, then be prepared to rough out the first few months.   

2. Loneliness - I didn’t exactly live alone in Singapore but being constantly away from my entire family meant I cope better than most people. If you’re prone to home sickness (as I was before what happened to me), migration is going to make that a lot worse.  

3. Food - I’m easy when it comes to food but I had a weakness for Singapore coffee and cai tao kway. So this was one part that I took some time to come to terms with. It’s not going to be a deal-breaker for most but it will eat into your overall experience and, believe it or not, chip away at your sanity.

4. Instability and change - For people who are creatures of routine, people who hate the less-travelled path, people who can’t deal with instability and change, people who hate travelling because of the "risks" etc. - this is going to be your second greatest challange. I am one such person but I went through quite enough to learn how to cope with those fears and anxieties. I'm sure many of you have met (or is one yourself) people whose definition of a holiday does not extend beyond a shopping trip in a Taiwan, HK or Japan shopping centre. In fact, I keep a friend who insisted the only form of travel he desires is that which can be obtained through his Playstation. He has absolutely no desire to "brave" the ineffable beauty of Iceland or even just picturesque Queenstown in NZ. If you're one such person then do yourself a favour and do not migrate. You will NOT survive.   

The essence to coping with situational instability and change is to accept that you can never be 100% prepared for what your environment will throw at you. There are a dozen books on dealing with adversity and change and they do a much better job than me at teaching you coping strategies. 

The mental challenge

All that I've gone through were not enough to prepare me for the greatest challenge - myself.  I had set myself certain goals in life (the typical sinkie goals) and rarely strayed away from a rigid disciplined path towards achieving them. When i realised NZ was moving me away from my goals and expectations fear, panic and a great amount of distress set in. So much that i made the decision to move back to Singapore (to this day, i'm not sure if this was a stupid decision) and suffered greatly for the next two years at the abusive hands of a Singapore boss who threatened to fire me (and nearly did) for talking back just once in an innocent confrontation. Two painful years and a lot of kowtows (to the boss) later, I achieved what i set out to achieve for this 2 year return trip and moved to Australia. 

It is critical that you fully understand your own expectations before you consider migration. Your expectations can be built around many things - better life, better money, better education for kids but there will always be one or two that ranks above the rest and which will likely determine whether you rate your migration experience as a positive or negative one. Truth be told, i am not quite released from the shackles of my expectations but I have achieved enough in Singapore to not be immobilized by it, and I have studied on how to tame it. The two very painful years in Singapore probably also jaded me enough.  

What are your goals and aspirations? Can you achieve them in Australia? If not, how important are those to you and your family? Is this something you can achieve before moving to Australia? If not, what can you do to ensure you can continue to achieve your goals in Australia? The key is to be brutally honest with yourself. Do not migrate at the spur of the moment.